Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Doctor Is In

Courtesy of Dan Drezner, it seems that Dr. James Dobson has deigned to make his "definitive explanation...regarding the origins of homosexuality" available to all, presumably as some sort of public health measure. Seriously though, this is really funny.

Mark is in desperate need of professional help, but he is unlikely to get it. His parents apparently don't know about his travail, and the pastor he trusts tells him it will pass. It probably won't! Mark appears to have a condition we might call "prehomosexuality," and unless he and his entire family are guided by someone who knows how to assist, the probabilities are very great that he will go on to experience a homosexual lifestyle.

But fear not! Advanced preventive care for this condition does exist:

Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Vigilance, however, is essential. Only the most discerning parents will be able to detect well-hidden warning signs of the homosexual lifestyle:

Perhaps you are concerned about your child and his or her "sexual development." Maybe your son or daughter is saying things like, "I must be gay," or "I'm bisexual." You've found same-sex porn in his room or evidence that he has accessed it on the Internet. You've found intimate journal entries about another girl in her diary. The most important message I can offer to you is that there is no such thing as a "gay child" or a "gay teen." [But] left untreated, studies show these boys have a 75 percent chance of becoming homosexual or bisexual.

In retrospect, I may not have played too many rough-and-tumble games during my formative years, but at least I had a father who knew the importance of collective shower time and "pound the peg."

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